Saturday, September 11, 2010

Melons, Airplane Bathrooms, and People You Hate

Ian M. sent in the following question: "When you are eating a halved melon at a formal gathering, do you use a fork or a spoon? Do you just dig your face in?"

A: First of all, I'm not sure who would ever want to eat a halved melon. The green ones are always crunchy in a weird we-should-not-be-eating-these-things kind of way, and the orange ones make the roof of my mouth burn. Even when that tiny little ice cream melon scooper is used to make little melon balls, I can't eat them because (1) they're called "melon balls" and (2) I'm resentful that someone is trying to pass off nasty-ass melon as ice cream. 

With that said, if you're some kind of melon-lovin' freak, I say, dig your face right in. It's times like these that the phrase, "Whatchu lookin' at, bitches?" was made for. Dig in like you're searching for some kind of buried treasure at the bottom. Scrape your hands across the surface of the white pressed table cloth like a dog on a chain who's kept back from something it wants to attack. Make audible chomping and slurping sounds, ones which will cause great discomfort to your dining fellows. Do not hold back.

When you come up for air, melon bits falling from your mouth, juice dripping from your lashes, scrunch your brows down in disgust and yell, "Whatchu lookin' at, bitches? Ain't no one around here never seen someone eat a melon before? Fuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh." Then, go back about your business. You may even teach them a thing or two.

Bon appetit!

 Luke A. asks: "What is the maximum time someone should spend in an airplane bathroom?"

A: Maximum time in an airplane bathroom should not extend beyond 3 minutes. No brushing your teeth in there, putting on makeup, shaving your chin whiskers, popping pimples, having a big old Sunday afternoon poop, looking at dirty magazines, shooting heroin, taking a pregnancy test, hooking up with a sleazy traveling salesman who three minutes before asked if you were a member of the "mile-high club" while bobbing his furry worm-like eyebrows up and down and eying your plunging neckline, no painting your nails, washing your pits, changing your clothes, making a private phone call, writing your vows, kneeling in prayer, or even flossing your teeth.

Get in, do your bathroom business, wash your hands quickly, and get out. Period.

Don't be saving up any kind of poop business for flight, either. That shit should be taken care of preferably at home, but certainly before boarding the plane.

If you can hold everything for the entire flight, do so. Try it. You'll be surprised at how long you can hold it if you really try. Don't drink any liquids while flying, as what goes in must come out.

If someone gets up to use the bathroom and is in there for a ridiculously long time, be sure to judge them and give them looks of undeniable scorn as they make their way back to their seat. Perhaps turn to those around you and say, "Can you believe that asshole? Spending 15 minutes in the airplane bathroom? What a douche." This will deter others from doing the same.

Lastly, if you get caught in there with some bad case of diarrhea or some such thing, slide a little note under the door that says, "Sorry. Bad case of diarrhea. Not planned." This will inform other passengers of the reason you're in there so long. You can't plan diarrhea. This also means you'll need to keep a little golf pencil and a piece of paper on you when flying. This may be safely stored in your sock, if you're wearing socks, or tucked discreetly in your brassiere. Do not place these things in your underwear band. That's gross.

Happy and safe travels to you!

Amy H. wonders: "While in Starbucks, if you see someone you dislike, should you or should you not greet them? This was assuming they've already seen you."

A: I say don't greet anyone at all, whether you like them or not. This takes care of the issue at hand. Do so by taking sudden interest in the hem of your shirt or a spot on the back of your arm. You can also place your cell phone to your ear and feign an intense, not-to-be-interrupted conversation. Looking really agitated and pissed for no particular reason sometimes keeps others from making an unwanted social greeting and chit chat.

Perhaps you can make a real call, and in a stage whisper, say "'s me. Remember that asshole dad from parent teacher night? Yeah, he's here at Starbucks. What an ass. I can't believe I ran into him. I'm just going to look the other direction..." And then make a big show about turning around and facing the wall. That's like an acknowledgment and avoidance all in one. 

If you're working on being upfront and honest in your daily interactions, you may want to greet the person in the following way: "Heyyyyyy! It's you! I was just on the phone with my sister talking about what a douche you are. How's your wife? I can't believe she ever married you. Must have been slim pickin's where she was. I'd ask how you are, but I don't really care, seeing as I think you're an asshole and all. Well, I'll be off now!" I think you'll find people will appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness.

Finally, if you're at Starbucks, please get me a grande, non-fat, one splenda, vanilla latte. 


1 comment:

  1. I think I saw you at Starbucks the other day, but you were on the phone so I didn't want to bother you.