Saturday, September 10, 2011

How to Dance at 6 a.m.

It's best to wake up with a crabby attitude. Trust me. It will make the transformation even more amazing.

Upon getting out of bed, stub your toe on your bed frame, if you can. Utter something like, "Fucking bed frame!" and as you bend down to inspect the damage to your foot, look up to the ceiling and wonder what God has against you. A little victimization will go a long way in preparing for your 6 a.m. dance session.

Take your dog outside to pee and unleash your short temper when your dog gets too sidetracked by a squirrel. "Oh, for chrissake! Just pee, already! Fucking squirrel!" Look over at your neighbor's house and judge them a bit. For anything. It doesn't really matter what. "Seriously. How the fuck can you stand to have curtains like that in your windows?" Use the word "fuck" a lot. And feel superior. Feel superior for using the word "fuck" three times before 5:40 a.m. Briefly look up at the sky and feel God judging you for your bad language. "What? What?! Well, if you didn't want me using foul language, you should have made me a bird. Or a fish. Or something." Consider for a short moment that God may have heard you and is currently planning on sending you back as a bird or a fish. Become angry about that. Feel a little picked on by God. "Stupid fucking fish."

Take your dog back inside and feed it. You may want to say something like, "I don't know how you eat this shit every morning" as you deposit a scoop of dog food into your dog's dish. Remember for a split second how you, too, ate dog food once when you were about nine. You ate a lot of it. Pick up one of the pieces of dog food and sniff it. Scowl and drop it back into the dish with a clink!

5:46 a.m. Hop in the shower. While in there, read the text on your shampoo bottle: "Hello Hydration," "I'll have a moisture-tini," "Drinks on me!" Become irritated that your shampoo is trying to get you drunk. Feel superior to the shampoo because you no longer drink and it's too dumb to realize that. "Stupid fucking shampoo." Briefly picture the advertisers for this company in a board room, high-fiving each other for their clever use of words. Curl your lip in disgust. Accidentally get the taste of shampoo in your mouth.  Spit it out while shouting "Are you fucking kidding me?!" only it will sound more like, "Ah you fuhk-uh kihh me?!"

Drop the soap on the same toe you stubbed and gauge it with your toenail. Pick it up only to find hair wrapped around it. "Oh, that is just fucking gross." Look up at the ceiling and picture God laughing at you. With a group of famous dead people who are also laughing at you. "I'm in the shower, for chrissake! A little privacy, PLEASE?!"

Nick yourself with your razor a few times. On the ankles, if you can.

5:52. Dry off. Battle with your contact lenses and they flip inside out and leap from your fingers onto the sink. Brush your teeth with such a frenzy that you accidentally jab yourself in the gum with the end of your toothbrush. Entertain your resentment about having to brush your teeth each and every morning. "Being a human is stupid. Stupid fucking teeth." Dress yourself if you're up to it.

Grab your hairbrush and head into the kitchen where your portable cd player sits on your kitchen counter. Hair dripping wet and face like a pasty zombie, hit play.*

*Note: While there are many appropriate song choices, the following have been proven to work for the purpose of this how-to:

-You Should Be Dancing (Bee Gees)
-I Wish (Stevie Wonder)
-That's Not My Name (Ting-Tings)
-Everybody (Rock Your Body)- (Backstreet Boys)
-Root Down (Beastie Boys)
-Girls and Boys (Blur)
-Harder Better Faster Stronger (Daft Punk)
-Rio (Duran Duran)
-Shining Star (Earth Wind & Fire)
-Breakout (Foo Fighters)
-Been Caught Stealing (Jane's Addiction)

For the purpose of a shared experience, let's use the Stevie Wonder tune.
I'd suggest pausing here to open a new window on your computer. Search the song. Begin to play it. Continue reading.

Okay. Back in the kitchen. Still crabby.
Hit play.
Quick bass-like notes introduce the beat: bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
Stand still, but let your eyebrows bob up and down to this part. For the first 16 notes.

Unmistakably, feel the energy of the bobbing eyebrows travel down your cheeks, around your neck to the top of your spine, down the spine to your now wiggling backside. The music has reached your backside. At the same time your shoulders begin a back and forth counter-movement to your hips and your toes, even the very one that was stubbed, begin their own little individual dance moves.

All of this happens very quickly.

By the time Stevie Wonder starts to sing, your hairbrush is raised to your mouth. You've dramatically looked this way and that. Your number is about to begin You're ready.

"Lookin' back on when I- was a little nappy headed boy!"
You fling your wet hair back and forth.
"And my only worry- was for Christmas what would be my toy!"
This, you direct to the refrigerator.
"Even though we sometimes- would not get a thaaaang,"
Your toaster is pointed at.
"We were happy with the- joy the day with bring!"
Your hands (and hairbrush) are raised to the ceiling.

The next verse has you really cutting loose. Perhaps you circle through the house, the building joy too much to contain to one single room. See your dog curled up on the couch. Sing a line or two to him:

"Tryin' your best to bring the- water to your eyes. Thinking it might stop her- from whoopin' your behind!"
Playfully pat your dog's butt. Kiss him on the head. Oh, you love this dog!

By the time the chorus comes, feel free to hop onto the couch. You may find that with the continued hopping, it's hard to catch your breath and sing at the same time, but it's totally worth it. Sing. Sing at loudly as you can:

"I WISH THOSE DAYS" (hip shake/head turn) "COULD" (hip shake/head turn) "COME BACK ONCE MORE! WHY DID THOSE DAYS" (hip shake/head turn) "EH-" (hip shake/head turn) "-VER HAVE TO GO?"

Continue in this manner, picking up your dog at one point and bounce-dancing him around the house. If you'd rather continue jumping on the couch for the entire song because it feels good and it's making your stomach feel fluttery, do that. If you feel compelled to try out some robot moves or even drop to the floor to see about spinning on your back, well, you can do this, too. Maybe you'll want to experiment with different frozen facial expressions every 4 beats of the song. This you may do while stopping in front of the mirror in your front room. This will make you love having a face that moves and you will be happy for your face.

Look up to the ceiling and manage to think "Thank you God for my movable face!" while continuing to sing the lyrics. "Thank you, Stevie Wonder, for this awesome song!" Continue dancing. "Wheeee! I have my own house to sing and dance in at 6 in the morning! Thank you, Universe!" Dance and sing. Sing and dance. Feel the sting of your earlier razor blade nicks and look down at your ankles. "Wheeee! My ankles are making me dance! Dance ankles! Dance!" Thank God for giving you ankles. Ankles are cute. You never noticed that before.

This song has a fade-out, as opposed to an abrupt ending, so you will most likely find yourself giggling and dancing and spinning and out of breath before you notice the song is over.

Look up to the ceiling, and past it. Up and up and up, where you picture God looking down on you. Smiling. Laughing. High-fiving a group of famous dead people. And non-famous ones that you once knew and loved. "Hey, everybody!" The next song starts. "Welcome to my 6 a.m. dance party!" The beat begins and off you go again.  

It's going to be a great day.