Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,
I appreciate your interest, via the ads on the sidebar of my facebook page, in my love life, my safety, my personal hygiene, my fashion, my career, my recreational activities, and my relationships with imaginary family members, such as my non-existent "cherished daughter." It is clear that you care deeply for me. Might I take this time to ask some specific questions about the ads that frequent my page? I'm sure you'll indulge me.

Ad #1:

"HawgLaw: If you ride then know the law. This page is to help keep riders informed of legal issues related to riding."
I was a fan of the Dukes of Hazzard, and while I applaud you for hiring Bo or Luke to do your copy-writing, I must inform you that I do not ride a "hog" or "hawg" as you so charmingly put it. I ride a scooter. Now, if your site was called "KnockAnOleDudeOverWithYourCarTheDayAfterYouFindOutYouHaveNoCarInsurance" well, then- I really could have used you. But, that's not the case.

 Ad #2:
"365 things to do in St Louis before you die."
 There are a lot of things I'd like to do before I die. I'm not sure what you're getting at with this photo, though. Seeing a titlted building is cool, I guess, but I've already seen the Tower of Pisa, and it was kind of a letdown, really. So your leaning condo unit is...well...not that appealing. Sorry.


"365 things to do in St Louis before you die."
You run the same ad with multiple photos, trying to hook me into doing things before I die, or perhaps you're trying to get me to kill myself. I can't tell. But, either way, I'll take this over the leaning condo. I believe you're suggesting that I wrap a little old dog up in someone's gray tube sock so tightly that the dog's tongue kind of falls out and he almost chokes on it. I'm kind of an animal lover, and I'm not sure why I'd want to do this before I die. Although I did put tape balls on the bottom of a cat's feet and watch it walk around all funny. But that wasn't on my "bucket list." I just did it. The cat was there. So was the tape. I do think if a dirty old tube sock was near my dog, I still wouldn't care to nearly choke it to death. I'll pass on this, too.

"365 things to do in St Louis before you die."
Okay. Here's you're going for a kinder and more loving approach. Perhaps I'd like to hold some kind of baby deer in the palm of my hand before dying? That's pretty tempting. Unless this photo was taken right before someone put a dirty old tube sock around it until its tongue flew out of its mouth.  

Ad #3:
"100 things to do in St Louis"
It's clear that you think I spend a lot of time sitting around wishing for things to do. It's true. I'm divorced. And live alone. And single. And live next door to my parents. And this may make me look incapable of entertaining myself. Not true. I do have a life, facebook. And I can think of a lot of things to do in St Louis rather than eat a giant taco. Although, damn, that does look good. Okay. I'll do it.

Ad #4:
"100 Things To Do In St Louis This Spring. Don't Miss Out!"
Oh, shit! Your "Don't Miss Out!" communicates a sense of urgency to putting these little red galoshes on this baby pig! I appreciate your exclamation mark! I'm not sure where this pig is! But when I find it, I WILL put some tiny red galoshes on it, damn it! I won't miss out! Promise!

Ad #5:
"Got sun damage or brown spots? Remove them with FotoFacial or Matrix RF treatments." 
Why you gotta be so cold, facebook? You know I have sun spots on my face. The one above my lip I call "The Clark Gable" and the ones on my cheeks I call my "mutton chops." If this lady got the treatment, why is she hiding half of her face? Probably because the treatment jacked her skin all up, that's why. I don't trust you, facebook. And as far as the Matrix RF treatments go,  I can't remember if I'm supposed to take the red pill or the blue pill.

Ad #6:
"Become certified to teach through the flexible, affordable, and state-approved ABCTE program. Nearly 3,000 people have already done it!"
First of all, I'm already a teacher. So you can stop trying to get me to be one. I mean, what the fuck, facebook? Don't you even pay attention to anything I do/say? It's like you want to be all up in my business, but then you pull some shit like this-like you don't even know me. That's not the way to build intimacy, in case no one's ever told you that before. Plus, what is this "ADCDEFG program"? You made that up. Those are just letters of the alphabet, silly. And the "teacher" in the photo looks like a creepy child-molester. If 3,000 people have already done it, they need to be arrested. 

Ad #7:
"Give single dads a chance. Browse faithful and devoted single dads in your area seeking a second chance at love."
Speaking of needing to be arrested...hello.  Dude. You're glassy-eyed. And wearing some bling-bling in your ears. And you have that scraggly pube-ish chin grooming going on there. What exactly are you faithful and devoted to? Not your ex-wife when you two were married, I'm thinking. Second chance this, jerk. Your attempt at sympathy is not working over here. (p.s. If your wife died, I'm kind of super-sorry about everything I just said. But I'm still not interested. Thank you. Good day!)

Ad #8:
"The IRS tank proven oil recapture ability will improve your ROP while minimizing your environmental impact"
Um...say what?

Ad #9:
"Rufus believes all LGBT couples should be able to marry. Co-sign his letter: It's time to say, "I do" Mr. President."
Yeah, and I believe Rufus and I should get married. But he's gay. And that whole "It's time to say, 'I do' Mr. President" makes me feel a little uneasy. In that Rufus-Obama bad love scene kind of way. And I don't want to go there, but you made me do it, facebook. And for that, I resent you. 

Ad #10:
"Own Elvis history- The TCB ring that epitomized the bold style of Elvis Presley is brilliantly replicated in this stylish women's ring. Shop now!"
Now, that is some brilliant replication. And it is a stylish women's ring, in the same way a woman might be called "handsome." What ring-maker was takin' care of business when they set those letters?  It clearly says CTB, not TCB.

I look forward to many, many more hours of complete and total time-wasting on your site, facebook. Without it and the addition of the "like" button, I would undoubtedly have little to no self-esteem. So, I thank you.

In the future, though, I would appreciate a little more thought when placing ads on my page. I'm sure you don't take this request lightly.

Your #1 fan