Friday, September 10, 2010

Maret Talks Etiquette, Pt. II

Jennifer M. asks: "if you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, can you pick your friend's nose?"

Only when you're both riding in a vehicle, where it's been proven that no one can see you do it. And by "do it" I mean nose-picking.

Tim K. poses the question: "Is it better to cancel a planned Quran burning before or after it gets completely out of hand?"

Not sure, Tim. That's a great question. Perhaps what I'll do is stage a Justin Bieber poster burning outside of a local mall and do a quick study of how long it takes for things to get out of hand. My guess? Not long. In which case, "before" is the better answer.

Or, having probably never actually seen the Quran, it might be possible for us to mail several copies of 100% Official Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story to Mr. Terry Jones, and if the good Lord sees fit, he'll burn those up in a firey blaze.

Gabrielle "G-Dawg" L. asks: "What is the proper etiquette for before, after, and during a fight with either a ninja or a pirate?

I'm going to go pirate, since it appears I have a choice in my response. 


1. Shower, shave, and wear something skanky. At the very least, the pirate's fighting skills will be weakened by your good smell and your revealing clothing. At best, the two of you might actually hook up. This is a wanted scenario if your pirate is of the Johnny Depp variety.

2. Tell everyone that you're off to fight a pirate, and when they say, "Nuh-uh!" you can say, "I am so!" This does nothing much for the preparation of the fight, but will give you great delight when you return with proof. 

3. Search for pictures of pirates on the web. You don't want to leave the house and accidentally fight the wrong person.  If you find a man with bad teeth, a maniacal grin, earrings, a beard, and an eye patch, you may just happen to be in a B-list gay bar in England. These are not pirates. Don't be fooled. Print and use the pictures provided here as your guide.

4. Pack heat. (See point #2 below.)

1. Pirates are very sensitive and not that smart, so begin by pointing out their flaws. Comments like the following will begin the process of utter and incomprehensible demoralization: "Hey, could you give me a hand with th- Oh.....wait.....I'm sorry." And "I don't have all day for this fight! Shake a leg....Oh....wait....I'm sorry." Or "I'll be right back. Could you keep an eye on my things.....Oh.....wait....I'm sorry." Simply laughing and pointing at his hat might work, too. (Again, if you pirate is Johnny Depp, do your best to overlook the one hand, one leg, one eye thing. You can do it.)

2. Assuming your pirate's not Johnny Depp, don't fart around with knives and swords and all that old-timey bullshit. You live in the 21st century, dammit, and it's clear that God wants us to be able to have the advantage over pirates or he wouldn't have given us the smarts to make semi-automatic weapons. Pull out that AK-47 and let 'er rip. Don't worry. Upon impact, the pirate will explode with spectacular force and gold coins will rain down from where his body parts flew. And you will be rich! Rich, I say!

1. If your pirate was Johnny Depp and you've spent the whole fight time making out instead of actually fighting, try to get his phone number. Use it right away with your cell phone to make sure he's not lying to you. Asshole.

2. Otherwise, collect all of the gold that fell from the explosion of the pirate. If you had any kind of lookout person or backup fighter, make sure to pay him or her, but not too much. A couple of gold coins will do. Perhaps stash a few chocolate ones in your pocket and pass these out, instead. Especially if you had children help you. They won't know the difference.

3. If you're still all whored-up and aren't covered in too much blood, check the time. It still might be early enough for you to hit the clubs. Drinks are on you!

Luke A. writes in: "So, I've developed a strong interest in formal dressing. Is it inappropriate to wear formal, or even evening dress at a semi-formal event?

First, I want to thank you for sending in a photo along with your question. It gives me a good idea of what we're talking about here.

Rest assured that there is nothing in the universe you can't do wearing that spectacular formal gown, and look hot while doing it. But be prepared. There are a lot of haters in the world, and jealous bitches will be giving you the squinty eye as you flit about their men. Keep going with confidence, dear Luke, and know that it takes a lot of courage to bring this type of formality to any social occassion.  

In my opinion, you are pret-à-porter!

1 comment:

  1. Those Brits could be butt pirates which still semantically fulfill your requirements