Thursday, September 9, 2010

Maret Talks Etiquette

Drew H. writes: "i don't like the traditional idea of respect. formalities and etiquette are stupid more often than not. now for my question: why am i choosing an un-expecting innocent citizen of facebook to dump my rage onto? i'll leave such judgements to you."

Because he's an asshole. (or) Because she's a bitch. Or whore. Or whatever you young people call each other these days. Look, you're a teenager, and as such, everyone is wide-open to your rage dumps. If you didn't character assassinate someone on facebook, you'd be driving around in a beat up Chevy, smokin' dope and knocking people's mailboxes down with a baseball bat. You can't help it. Your brain is wired to manipulate, over-dramatize, sink into despair, judge and criticize, and hump things. In about 20 years, you can look back on your facebook posts and think about making amends. In the meantime, carry on.

Bob D. sent in this question: "When is it appropriate to have road rage?"

After you start going to Al-Anon, the answer is: NEVER. Al-Anon is a total road rage buzz-kill, as are many other recovery programs. So, first of all, if you're not already in some 12-step program, keep it that way. Keep on drinking, or spending, or binging and purging, or drugging, or exercising, or sexing, or getting all up in your alcoholic spouse's business, or whatever addictive behavior you might have going on. Because that will really make your road rage episodes extra-special. 

Now, assuming you haven't been warped into thinking you should just accept and pray for people who are really pissing you off on the roadways, I say let everyone have it. The lesser the offense, the stronger your reaction should be, just to keep everyone on their toes. Guy in front of you doesn't use his blinker? Tap his ass with your car. If he doesn't see the err of his ways and correct it immediately, tap his ass again. He's an idiot and needs further coaching. Honking your horn, giving him the finger, yelling "YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" and tapping his ass at the same time should get you the desired results. You may need to take his pets away that same night. When he's sleeping.

Nuns, elderly people, and those with physical impairments should not be excused from your wrath. How else will they learn to merge properly? You may find that it's necessary to follow these people home and wait for them to exit the car for a stern talking to. A good, old-fashioned, 1940s movie open hand face slap works wonders to accentuate your main points. Don't back down if they cry. This is just a ploy for attention. Bad drivers love attention. 

Keep a list of things other drivers do that piss you off: leaving the blinker on, driving too fast, driving too slow, letting someone in ahead of them, not giving you the courtesy wave when you show good will, slowing down at a yellow light and causing you to miss it, sitting up to high, sitting too low, swerving, and on and on. This list should be read nightly and again in the morning to fuel your rage. By the time you leave for work, your nerves should be raw and ready to be plucked. 

I obviously have a lot to say on this subject, but as you can see, others are in need of my help. Good luck to you, my friend. HONK! HONK!

Teddy K. writes: "Is it ever okay to eat someone's head? What if it falls off? Then can you eat it?"

1. If this is some kind of trick to get me to write something dirty, it's not going to happen.  I'm assuming you mean this: 

...only you are the camel. In that case, then, yes. It is sometimes okay to eat someone's head. See how the camel is relaxed and confident that his one bottom tooth will be sufficient enough to chew through this man's skull and chomp on his brain parts? That tells me that the head acts tough and all, but if it were ever really cornered and eaten, it would turn into something more cream of wheat-ish and less solid quartz-ish. It's just that no one's ever really tried. With live people heads, I mean.

Also, notice how the man, while his brows are scrunched a little, seems to be totally okay with having his head eaten. He is only squinting because of the hot, hot desert sun. This is a fact. So, again, both parties win. Eat the head.

If the head falls off, eating it would depend on how dirty and/or decomposed it became. You wouldn't chug spoiled and chunky milk, now, would you? No. Because that's gross. So, make sure the head is fresh. Give it the same three-second rule that you'd give a slice of pizza or tater tot that's fallen to the ground. It's usually nothing a little rub on the pants leg can't clean up.

I hope that answers your question. Bon appetit!

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