Sunday, September 19, 2010

Girls And Their Dumb Break-Up Crying

Ryan asks: "How much moping is acceptable on part of the dumper in a breakup? Having recently been dropped, I find I am doing better than she is. What is she crying about?"

I can give several reasons why this girl, having been the one to dump you, is now bawling about town like some kind of weepy mess. While I can't pinpoint the exact reason without knowing the girl personally, I believe you will find that one of the following categories will answer your question.

1. She's hoping to get a pity date from "that other guy." You know, the one you suspected she had a crush on all along while the two of you were together. Here's what you can do in this case. Go find the guy and rough him up a bit. I mean to say kick him in the junk and scratch his face all up. Take a photo of him balled up on the ground and post it on facebook, tagging your ex in the corner of the photo. No. Scratch that. Tag her name right on his junk. She should never have been making eyes at someone else while you were dating. Good riddance, I say.

Anyway, tag her in the photo, and make the caption say something like, "Here's what I did to the douchebag that my ex-girlfriend wants to date. Because I'm a man. And he's a douchebag." Then.....wait. Wait for her response. If she seems unmoved, you've made a mistake in judgement, which is corrected by a simple facebook apology to the guy. If she's all wailing and "HOW COULD YOU"-ing, then you were right. She really likes this guy and she's crying about the breakup with you in hopes that this guy will come over and comfort her. Either way, you come out looking like a stud.

2. She's premenstrual. It is possible that you are misinterpreting her tears. This can be cleared up by sending her a simple text message like so: "r u pms-ing? u sure r crying like a bby. lol." You will find her response to be swift and indicative of her menstrual situation. If she responds in anger, take refuge in your basement, or preferably the basement of a friend. The ability to lock yourself in there with several days of food and water would be ideal. It is also possible that she will be so moved by your understanding of the female mood swing that she will instantly want you back. If you truly miss her, say "yes" and bask in your cleverness. If not, decline her offer. Even better, say "yes" and then break up with her immediately after. Now who's the dumper and who's the dumpee? Huh? Huh?! Yeah, I thought so.

Now let's address the moping. How much moping is acceptable if you are the one breaking up with a person? Let's look at it this way. Have you ever seen someone at Starbucks go up to the counter and order a latte? Then, have you ever seen the person sit down, sip on their latte for some time, then get up to throw the cup away? After they've enjoyed their drink, have you seen them fall to the ground in grief, wailing about and pulling at their hair saying, "Why? WHY? Why did I order that latte? OH THE HUMANITY!" No. No, you haven't. Because that person woke up, decided they wanted a latte, went to Starbucks, ordered one, and drank it. Story's over. So should it be with the dumper. Your lady woke up, decided she wanted to break up, called you up, and did it. A breakup was ordered. A breakup was given. Done.

Don't let people tell you that she has feelings, too- that it's normal to experience grief when breaking up, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. These people are weaklings who probably say things like "You are a good person and worth being loved" when they stare at their own image in the mirror each morning. These people are also habitual huggers. Huggers and grievers. Blech.

I'm happy to see that you've taken the high road of no feelings of grief of any kind. In fact, each time you see your ex, you should really make a point to show her how well you're doing. Smile a little wider. Laugh a little louder. Don't leave the house without making sure you have on a really saucy outfit. Pat another gal's butt as she walks by. But only if your ex is around. Give this gal a gun point with the fingers of your right hand while simultaneously winking and making a clicking noise in a kind of a "Hey, I'm the man and I know it" kind of way. Then look over and your ex-girlfriend with a smug look that says, "See how studly and happy I am without you?" 

I hope this has been helpful.

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