A Little Conversation with The Vapors

I've got your picture
Oddly enough, someone did steal my middle school picture from a little collage of photos in my classroom. Is that the one you're talking about? Or, wait...if it's that really embarrassing one that somehow makes me look super-busty and was taken by a family that I nannied for, I'm going to be really mad. And embarrassed all over again.
Of me and you
Oh, whew. Wait a second...when did we meet?
You wrote "I love you"
Now you're just making stuff up.
I love you too
Aw...that's swee- wait! You don't even know me!
I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do 
I never have nothing to do. Even in a room alone, I like to inspect my freckles. Perhaps give that a try?

Oh it's in color
Yeah, we've got color photography now, buddy. *gives look like "You're a dummy.*
Your hair is brown
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now what secret of yours would you like me to expose?
Your eyes are hazel
I'd complain to your photo people about the developing job. My eyes are actually bluish-green.
And soft as clouds
Eyes aren't soft. They're actually like a water balloon SUPER full of water. Not like a grape, as I had originally thought. I learned that when Uncle Jimmy punctured his eye with a drill bit and water went all over his face.
I often kiss you when there's no one else around 
Like, when I'm sleeping, you mean? Or like you kiss my picture? I get if it's the busty one, but if you're kissing my middle school picture, we have a couple of problems here. As a tween, I kissed my poster of Adam Ant with my lips coated in my roll-on "kissing stick" and it made the poster get all color-bleedy and wrinkled. So, perhaps if this photo of me means anything to you, you'll want to steer clear of that kind of making out.

I've got your picture, Yeah, I heard you the first time. 
I've got your picture What, are you playing "keep away"?
I'd like a million of you over myself
Really think about what you're saying here.
I asked the doctor to take your picture
I'm sure that went over well.
So I can look at you from inside as well
Have you ever *seen* the inside of a lady? Don't get your hopes up.
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning 'round
I'm not doing jack, buddy. You're the one getting all revved up about my insides.

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
How do you figure?
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I mean to say, what gives you that impression?
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
You know- any bit of evidence would be helpful here.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Yeah, and Matthew McConaughey thinks he's god's shirtless gift to the ladies, but thinking it doesn't necessarily make it so.

I've got your picture
Okay, so which picture is it that you've got again?
I've got your picture
You're a man of few details, I see.
I'd like a million of them over myself
If it's a million pictures of my inside lady parts that you're wanting all over yourself, I'd like to pronounce this conversation over.
I want the doctor to take your picture
I'm going eye doctor, here. Just so that I can keep the little bit of vomit that's trying to make its way up my throat down.
So I can look at you from inside as well
I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of the inside of my eye. Get doubles, please.
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning 'round
Here you go again. Taking no responsibility for yourself. Haven't you heard that a person can't *make* you do something you don't want to do. Unless they have a gun. Which I don't. I mean, I did. The last guy I dated gave me one as a Christmas gift, which was kind of odd. But I gave it back when we called it quits.


I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
If you can watch this video with pure glee and delight, I might give you about 10% Japanese-turning points:

Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
If you actually order that kit and make the meal, I'll bump you up to 50% Japanese.
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
If you actually prepare AND eat the meal, you're on your way. I'm going to say 75% Japanese.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
You didn't. I knew it. You're David Fenton. From England. Get over it.

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark
I'd like to suggest a little thing called a "gratitude list." It goes a long way to get rid of this little victimy thing you've got going on here.
Everyone around me is a total stranger
I'm guessing if you're wearing a suit made of photos of lady inside parts, people aren't too keen on getting to know you. Just a thought.
Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
See my previous comment.
Everyone
Exactly.

That's why I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Because Japanese people will be less creeped out by this sort of thing? I'm a little offended.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

Oh, I see. Well, you might have a point.
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

Yeah....um...starting to think they might not mind the lady pics so much.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so


Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

Okay. I'm really starting to get it now.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Yeah, um, I'm just going to grab this picture of myself right off your desk...
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
(Think so think so think so)
And kind of head out the door here. Good luck with your Japanese-turning, or whatever.
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Good luck with that.

The Backstreet Boys and I Have a Conversation

Everybody!  
Oh, I guess that includes me.
Rock your body!
Not sure what you mean exactly, but I'm gonna guess dancing. Which I enjoy. So, okay, I'm in.
Everybody!
Got my attention the first time, silly.
Rock your body right!
Quit being so critical. Everybody's got their own dance moves.
Backstreet's back, alright!  
Yeah. Alright. Jesus. Did you need to scream at me? And where'd you go in the first place?

Oh my God, we're back again  
From....? The Piggly Wiggly?
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
I like the family feel you got going on here.
Gonna bring the flavor, show you how  
Just don't make it olive-flavored or anything with blue cheese, please.
Gotta question for you better answer now
Ooh! I'm good at this! Ready!
 

Am I original?
Um. No. Not really. There were a lot of boy bands before you.
Am I the only one?
Kind of just said that. Weren't you listening?
Am I sexual?
Definitely not.
Am I everything you need? Not at all.
You better rock your body now Oh, good. Back to dancing. I'm in.

Everybody!
Here I am!
Rock your body!
Still hope you mean dancing, because I'm bustin' out my best moves.
Everybody!
Still here...
Rock your body right!
There you go with the criticism again.
Backstreet's back, alright!
Man, you come and go a lot for a group that announces you're back again. You're like the cuckoo clocks of boy bands. Here! Gone! Here! Gone!


Now throw your hands up in the air
 Okay, fine. Like a line-dancing move or something?
Wave them around like you just don't care  
Feeling a little silly, but okay.
If you wanna party let me hear you yell
No, I'm totally fine on my couch right now, but thanks.
Cuz we got it goin' on again  
Um, I missed the part when you had it goin' on the first time.


Am I original?
This again? You are really insecure.
Am I the only one?
You're not even one of the ones.
Am I sexual?
No. No means no.
Am I everything you need? Nope.
You better rock your body now Or what? Are you threatening me, Backstreet?


Everybody
You do realize I'm the only one here, don't you?
Rock your body
Fine. But only because I can't resist dancing.
Everybody
Wow. You have thick skulls.
Rock your body right
I'm doing the running man! How much more could you want from me?!
Backstreet's back, alright!
Fine. 
 
So everybody, everywhere
That's a shit-load of people. You know that, don't you?
Don't be afraid, don't have no fear
Wait. I'm confused. Do you want me to "don't be afraid?" or to "don't have no fear?" 
Because the second one's a double-negative, which means you want me to have some fear.
I'm gonna tell the world, make you understand
Wait! Fine! Okay! I did it! I stole a bra from Famous Barr in Clayton in the 80s, but it was only because I wanted to appear cool to my older sister's friends!
As long as there'll be music, we'll be comin' back again
Oh, wait...you weren't about to share that? *gulp* Oops.

Everybody!
Oh. my. God. This again?
Rock your body!
I'm totally out of breath.
Everybody! What?
Rock your body right!
Nothing's ever good enough for you, backstreet.
Backstreet's back!
You didn't even go anywhere this time, numbnuts.
Everybody!
WHAT?! JESUS! WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Rock your body!
I quit. You're pissing me off.
Everybody!
You're talking to yourself now, I'll have you know.
Rock your body right!
You'd make a horrible teacher. Or parent. Never have kids. 
Backstreet's back, alright!
Go away. 

I'm Not Gonna Lick On Your Contact Lens

I'm not gonna lick on your contact lens, your contact lens, your contact lens.
I'm not gonna lick on your contact lens, no matter how dusty it gets.

It's not my fault you don't have a tongue, have a tongue, have a tongue.
It's not my fault you don't have a tongue, how 'bout you take that up with your dog.

And who feeds a dog bacon from their mouth, from their mouth, from their mouth?
And who feeds a dog bacon from their mouth, while expecting to keep their tongue?

I guess you've never heard of a doggy dish, a doggy dish, a doggy dish.
I guess you've never heard of a doggy dish, or else you're some kind of creep.

Now gettin back to your contact lens, your contact lens, your contact lens-
Now gettin back to your contact lens, why don't you rinse it in the sink?

Oh. That's kind of hard to do without any hands, any hands, any hands.
That's kind of hard to do without any hands. I'm sorry I didn't see before.

But that's what you get for reachin' down the drain, down the drain, down the drain.
That's what you get for reachin' down the drain, when you've got the disposal on.

And by the way, and I hate to bring it up, bring it up, bring it up
I really, really hate to just bring it up, but take a look at your crotch.

Perhaps you need to buy some velcro pants, velcro pants, velcro pants.
Perhaps you need to invest in some velcro pants, cause your barn door's lettin' in some air.

You're acting like you can't hear me none, hear me none, hear me none.
You're ignoring me like you can't hear me none. DOES IT HELP YOU IF I SHOUT?!!!

Oh. I didn't notice you don't have ears, don't have ears, don't have ears.
I see now you've got two little nubbin'-like things, where your ears once were.

Well, it's not my fault that you took the dare, took the dare, took the dare.
I'm not the kind of person who makes a dare for someone to melt their ears.

Anyone knows ears aren't made of wax, made of wax, made of wax.
Just cause there's wax in 'em doesn't mean they'll melt. Man, you're some kind of dummy.

I'd love to stay here and chat all day, chat all day, chat all day.
I'd love to chat it up with you all of the day, but look, here comes my bus.

Good luck with your lens and your hands and ears, hands and ears, hands and ears.
I really hope your lens gets clean and you get some ears. Some ears that really work.

But here's a little hint for you free of charge, free of charge, free of charge.
Take this hint for free, I swear, you don't owe jack: Think before you act.