Out for Revenge...Any Suggestions?

A friend of mine recently posted the following on facebook:

So, my staff TPed my office and I am out for revenge...any suggestions? 

As it turns out, I do have suggestions. I like to think of myself as a general problem-solver, for what it's worth, and I'm freely giving of my ideas. Some may call it a gift. Below I offer my friend five ways to let her toilet paper-wielding office mates know she'll have the last laugh around these parts.

1. Show up drunk. Covered in blood. And smelling of garlic.

This was my first suggestion, and as I already posted it on facebook as a response to your plea, you could very well be tossing back lunchtime martinis while rubbing a garlic clove on your face with one hand and the blood of neighborhood rabbits and squirrels on your shirt with the other hand. If that's the case, the rest of my suggestions will have to be stored away for another time, which is just fine. There is no expiration date on revenge. 

With this plan, your office buddies will take notice immediately, of not for the way you stagger to your desk than for the potent smell of garlic. And maybe the sight of questionable blood. "Is that Mary? What's wrong with- what in God's name? What's on her- Oh, sweet Jesus!" Someone will reach across and grip the arm of someone else. A third party will slowly, without taking their eyes off you, call for security. A fourth worker, that one guy, there's always that one guy in the office, will vomit into his trash receptacle. 

Who's got the upper hand now, huh? Ha! TPers=0. Drunk, garlicky, bloodstained you=WIN!

2. Put their hands in a bowl of warm water and wait for them to pee. If they don't, do it yourself.

I remember this prank as a pre-teen. Sarah Klasskin's house, I think. It was a classic girls' sleepover, with everyone afraid of being the last to go to sleep, lest their hand be placed in a bowl of warm water, causing them to relax their little bladder into a state of pee-on-the-couch-ness. I don't think it ever really worked, but that's not to deter you from trying it at work. 

Perhaps look in the office fridge for some tupperware. Remove the sandwich or deviled eggs or whatnot and fill the container with warm water. Walk it over to your office mate's desk.

 

"Here," you can say, "I got you a little something to relax your hands, what with you typing on the computer all day and all that talk about carpal tunnel." Gently lift up their hand and place it the container of warm water. Stifle your giggles.

"Wait for it......" you can say. "Wait for it....." Your office mate may sit there, hand it water, with a confused look on his or her face. Don't panic. If they don't pee right then and there on their office chair, go to plan B. Let go of your own bladder. Yes, it will feel funny at first, but this is what pranks are all about, right? The funny-factor? Here you can let your morning latte run down your legs to the office carpet with the unmistakable pitter-patter not heard since maybe kindergarten. "Ha!" you can yell. "Look what you made me do!" 

Office laughs will be all around. Again, you'll be on top. WIN!

3.  Quit. And then show up like a month or two later and say "JUST KIDDING!" to your boss and the person they hired to replace you.

This will be hilarious. Oh, how they'll admire you for your timing. Put your things on the desk that was once (and still is) yours and sit right back down to do your job. Perhaps they will have deleted your work email account. Don't worry. That's just them trying to one-up your prank. Just start typing away as if you were on email. They won't know. Don't flinch.

"Could someone go fetch me a cup of coffee? I sure have a lot of catching up to do!" This is what you can say to anyone listening. Which will be everyone. Because they'll be standing there in awe of your ability to pull a good prank. 

YOU WIN!

4. Go to your bosses house and hide in various places, yelling "SURPRISE!" when he or his wife finds you. 

Tuck yourself in their bed at night and when they wake up..."SURPRISE!" Duck down in the shower under a towel or two and in the morning when they pull the shower curtain back..."SURPRISE!" Squeeze yourself into the back seat of their car and when they get in with the morning paper and their briefcases..."SURPRISE!" Hide the baby somewhere safe, like a closet, and get into the baby's crib. Make cry noises over the monitor and when one of them comes in, sleepy-eyed, in the middle of the night and looks over at your full-grown face..."SURPRISE!"

Now, this one's a little trickier, because in an attempt to match your skills at pranking, they may prank you back by calling the police on you. Don't be thrown off. Those probably aren't even real police officers. They're just friends in uniforms to try to out-prank you. Here's what you do: After the "SURPRISE!" you'll just need to beat a quick retreat and then make yourself scarce until the next day's surprise. You may want to consider calling in sick this particular week.

Man, oh man, will everyone end up getting a big laugh out of this one. WIN!

5. Take your boss's computer and throw it out the window. 

That's not even the prank part. Yes, that will get you the initial gasp and "WHAT DID YOU DO?" part that's all part of pranking. But what you want to do next is say, "Just kidding! I'd never do that. I put your real computer in this box." And then hand him a computer box...wait for it...full of his family photo albums which you swiped while playing "SURPRISE" only you drew little mustaches on every single face in the albums! If you've ever seen anything about pranking, you'll know that drawing a mustache on a picture of someone really gets everyone roaring with laughter. 

That, my friend, is how you prank someone! YOU WIN AGAIN!