Monday, March 19, 2012

No Reason To Get Upset

Now, there's no reason to get upset.
I only took this razor to your eyebrows while you were sleeping
because I read about it in a magazine.
It's supposed to make you feel smarter
you know, with no eyebrows.
Don't you feel smarter right now?

What magazine? I don't know.
I read so many these days.
But I remember it was on the left side of the page.
Right under an add for some kind of Carnival Cruise
under $500.

I know! I didn't believe it either!
I even thought about booking a trip for us.

Oh, you mean about your eyebrows.
Well, believe it.
What's done is done.
And I think it's a look you can really pull off.

Look, if it makes you feel any better, I saved them.
Your brows, of course!
I mean, they're not intact or anything.
But if you feel that attached to them,
I'm sure I can reattach them somehow.

Oh, I don't know exactly.
But I'll figure out a- stop that. Stop crying.
They're just eyebrows.
Look, I'll shave mine off right now.
I've always wanted to be smarter.

What, those? Those little red dots?
I don't know. I'm not a doctor or dermatologist or anything
but it appears to be a little skin irritation.

Here. Let me get some aloe.
I'll just dab a little bit right here---

Now you're just being uncooperative.
How am I supposed to put the aloe on your skin
if you won't let me touch you?
Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit of an overreactor?
Well, let me be the first.

Now, there's no use in showing off with those big words
just because I removed your eyebrows and now you're all smart.
You think you're smarter than me, don't you?

Oh. "Audacity." I take it back.
I know what that means.
I thought you said something French.

Wait. Why are you packing a suitcase?
Is it because I didn't want to eat out last week?
Really. I just felt like staying home.
That happens to everyone.

What do you mean, I don't get it?
I get it all.
You got your panties all in a bunch
because I wouldn't eat out last week
and now you're packing your bags.

Your eyebrows? Jesus! This again?
I thought we moved past that.
See, this is what I mean about you being a bad cook.
And a sore loser.
And a thief. Those slippers are mine and I'd appreciate
if you put them back.

So what? I buy shoes two-sizes too small all of the time.
Just because they're "technically" your size
doesn't mean you were the one that actually bought them.

Me? Me? Oh, that's great.
I think we know who the crazy one really is here.
Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
I don't believe this either.

You try to do something nice for someone,
try something you saw in a magazine
just because you're adventurous
and nice,
and it just goes all shit-wrong on you.

Oh, I won't.
You don't have to worry about me ever calling you.
Why would I want to talk to someone who
doesn't even appreciate when someone
does something nice for them.

Wait! Come back here!
I missed a spot!

1 comment:

  1. wow! you're an incredibly creative writer. rock on!