Saturday, October 23, 2010

Why Periods Are Stupid

I'm sure there are more reasons than 10, but it's a nice even number.

10 Reasons Why Periods Are Stupid

#1) It's all fine and dandy if chicks of yester-century were poppin' out babies at 12 and 13. I mean, people were considered elderly at 50 and you had to get your family on at an early age. I get it. 14-year-olds were meant to be birthing babies in between cooking dinos, or building log cabins, or knitting tea cozies, or some such thing, so it seems necessary that they would also be needing their periods. But 14 is no longer the prime baby-making age. In fact, ladies are waiting to have babies. Twenties even seem young. Babies in your thirties? That's more like it. So, as I see it, no one should get their period until they're 30. There.

#2) It's stupid to get it every month. Seriously. Think about it. The uterus is all "Oh! I might get to house a baby! I'll get it ready with all of this bloody lining so there's a nice cushy landing spot when the egg Wet Willy's itself down the fallopian chute. Yes! I'll build the greatest lining ever! Work! Work! Work!" And then 28 days later the uterus is all, "What? The egg shot out but it wasn't fertilized? What the hell? What kind of house guest is this? OUT! GET OUT!" And it royally freaks out, throwing both unused egg and all of its hard work lining out the door, if you will. It's dumb. It's like if I were expecting a house guest, and I repainted my house and bought all new drapes and linens. Put flowers out, even. Then the house guest arrives, I'm unimpressed, and in a frenzy, I open the door and start throwing all my shit out. Chairs. Pillows. Velvety drapes. OUT! OUT! AND DON'T COME BACK! Geesh. Talk about moody.

#3)The uterus is tiny. Must it really take 4-6 days to clear it out? That's ridiculous. That's like taking a week to pick a single booger out of your nose. I can wring out a washcloth in under 30 seconds. And I'm not even that strong. The uterus is strong enough to push out an 8 pound baby, so, it's not fooling anybody. It's just being lazy. Lazy, lazy uterus with its poor, poor period pushing.

#4) But it cramps like it's working overtime. Nothing needs to hurt that badly on a regular basis. Seriously. If you're a dude, let me try to explain. Ever have explosive diarrhea? I mean the kind that drops you to the floor and makes you break out in a sweat? Yeah. That's the feeling of cramps, buddy. Like explosive diarrhea without the diarrhea. Which isn't exactly true, because some ladies actually get explosive diarrhea with their period. Why? Because Mother Nature is seriously pissed off about something, that's why. Anyway, I've heard it hurts like nobody's business if a guy gets a swift kick in the balls, but here's what I have to say: Just avoid getting kicked in the balls, then. Try telling a lady to just avoid getting periods. That will go over well.

#5) Getting periods when you can't even get pregnant is dumb. If a lady is infertile, or is married to a dude who is infertile, periods should stop. That would be like having to pay for gas once a week for a car that's incapable of running and is just sitting on blocks in your garage. It's dumb.

#6) Women in tampon commercials run around in white pants and look like they're having the period-free time of their lives. That's not possible, and therefore is dumb. No woman wears white pants or skirts when she's having her period. Do you wear a white dress or suit to a bbq rib-eating contest? No. Why? Because that's silly, that's why.  BBQ ribs are messy. As are periods. Women don't also swing from a tire swing, while wearing white pants, and throwing their heads back from sheer joy of being alive, swinging, and menstruating. (I hate that word, by the way.) I saw this scene in a tampon commercial. Perhaps it was a douche commercial. Either way, it was dumb.

#7) Women can't get grumpy when their having their periods, or else people think it's their periods causing the grumpiness. First of all, try running around with explosive diarrhea feelings while trying to protect your expensive under and outer garments and see if that doesn't make you a bit crabby. Second of all, crabbiness happens. I sound a little crabby right now and I'm not having my period. Too much information? Well, yeah, perhaps it is. But I just want to illustrate the point that ranting is not always period-induced. (By the way, I happen to be giggling right now. Not in a maniacal I'm-30-seconds-away-from-crying-or-screaming way. Just in that life-is-funny-and-I-enjoy-it way.)

#8) Going on a float trip while you're having your period sucks. Because everyone pees in the water. We all know it. Don't act like you don't. The only reason you'd traipse off into the brush is to go poop. And then everyone knows you're going poop. That's embarrassing. So, if you have to run off to change a tampon, what do you say? "Hey, I'm just going to run back here and change this tampon?" or lie and look like you're going to poop? Either way, ladies lose. A float trip pariah is formed. Who wants to canoe with a bleeder or a pooper? No one. That's who. 

#9) If 12 is too young to have a baby, 50 is too old. If someone's already had kids, there's no need for the body to keep acting like something's going to happen when it's not.

#10) The fact that you don't know when it's coming is stupid. How would it feel if someone called and said, "Hey, can I stay with you? I'll be coming sometime this week. But I won't call to say I'm on my way. I'll just pop in, okay?" You may be in someone's car, on a long car trip. You may be on a ride at Six Flags. You may be standing in front of the classroom doing a lesson on punctuation. Periods, perhaps. You may be making out with a datey-partner for the first time. Periods don't care. They don't care at all about ruining even your nicest plans. Robert Burns can suck it, as far as I'm concerned, when he wrote that "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry" (I modernized it for you, actually)- because men's plans have never gotten effed up by sudden and painful bleeding from their penises.

15 comments:

  1. Hahaha cheered me up.

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  2. OMG! I just about popped a tampon reading this I laughed so hard! Thanks for the humor.

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  3. This. Is. Fabulous. I love it :)

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  4. Absolutely fantastic. Exactly how I feel every month. Kudos!

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  5. Woah!!!.... So true LOVE IT

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  6. PREACH it to the choir sister ;)

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  7. #2, SRSLY. temper temper.

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  8. #2 made me laugh so hard at the thought of suddenly flipping out and throwing all my stuff out of the door simply because I was unimpressed by my house guest. As for #5, I completely agree. I tried unsuccessfully for over a year to conceive and whenever I got my period it was disappointing. It turns out I'm infertile and now that that relationship has ended, I am celibate. I see no logical reason why I should continue to get periods. It's downright depressing but reading #2 cheered me up a little.

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  9. I find the endless ranting about periods to be exceedingly immature most days (hey your grandmother's mother got through it without griping and she had to use CLOTH and BELTS, okay?) but this was actually really funny. Well done.

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  10. Its funny if u dont like it then be like an unfertilized egg go get. All of it made me laugh, it truely made my day

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  11. You and I would get along just great...
    I think a women should be able to say whether or not she wants to have a period.. And if she decides she doesnt want kids she doesnt get periods. I also think that once a year would be just fine.. OR once every six months. This once a month thing gets old fast!

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  12. It is almost as if nature is nagging you to give birth :/

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  13. I love you. We think oddly alike lol and periods are indeed stupid.

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