Creation Story

On the day that God made the heavens and the earth, the land was all jacked up.  The earth was cracked and dry and nothing could grow up in that mug.

Then, some misty business came all up from the ground and God was all, “Whoah, did I do that?” He did. It was cool. It was like the fog machines that God would help people invent years later only it made a lot more fog. Misty fog.  God couldn’t see shit. And He was cool with that for a while.

When the misty-fog cleared, God reached down on the ground and pulled up a dirt clod. With no one to throw it at, He shaped it into a little dude. He used a little stick to form details like rockin’ ab muscles and God was pleased with himself, having never had any formal art training.

God ate a breaf-mint and then blew some breaf into Little Dude, and Little Dude came to life. It was epic.

God needed a place for Little Dude to live, because having lived alone since the beginning of time, God really didn’t want someone all messin’ with his shit at home and leaving the toilet seat up and creating piles of crap around that weren’t His.

So God made a sweet, sweet living place called the Garden of Eden. And He thought that was a pretty good name.  He presented it to Little Dude and Little Dude just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Eh” and this irritated God to no end. Little Dude was already an entitled asshole and God wondered if he had made a mistake by making him.

God said to Little Dude, “Look. I’m giving you all kinds of cool shit. Here’s a Playstation 3.” God pointed to a Playstation 3 under a fruit tree. “And here’s an i-Pod so you can listen to music. I’ve already downloaded some Lynard Skynard on there for you.”

And since Little Dude was born singing “Sweet Home Alabama,” before he even knew what Alabama-pride was, he was excited about God’s gifts.

“But,” God commanded Little Dude, “you are to never, NEVER, listen to track 4. Do you understand me?”

Little Dude did not understand God. And he did not yet know how to form a question, so he sat there slack-jawed, with a little drool coming out the of the corner of his mouth.

“Track 4,” explained God, “is a podcast from Rush Limbaugh. It came with the i-Pod purchase, and despite all my attempts, I cannot erase that track. You’ll just have to skip around it.”

“Ruuuuuuuushhhhhh,” Little Dude mumbled.

“Not to be confused with the entire “Moving Pictures” album, which I downloaded on there for you.” God then did his best air guitar and made some Tom Sawyer guitar solo sounds and Little Dude was impressed.

“There’s Rush,” God clarified, making frantic drumming sounds, “and then there’s Rush.” Now God was pantomiming a jolly, if not completely dumb, Santa type. “Ho! Ho! Ho! Women are whores! Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Little Dude did not quite understand this last part. He did not catch the mystery. Nor catch the drift. But he secretly wanted to listen to track 4 and find out what these “women” and “whores” are that God was speaking about.

“Rush Limbaugh,” God shouted, “is a NO-NO!” And then God proceeded to smack Little Dude on the nose with the i-Pod before handing it over.

God left Little Dude alone to listen to music and play video games in the Garden of Eden.

By nightfall, Little Dude’s eyes were glazed over and he fell into a deep sleep, the sounds of “Call of Duty” still in his little head and the Playstation controller still cradled in his arms.

God looked down upon Little Dude. “The world is….the world is,” God thought. But then that thought was over.  And the next one came: “Love and life are deep,” God decided. But Little Dude only knew of life; not love. And this was sad, thought God.

“Oh, well,” thought God. “I can probably make something out of this.”

God took a flower and put it on top of the rib. He attached some wax lips onto the front of the rib and made a little dress out of leaves. He sat back and look at what He had made.

It was hideous. Little Dude would never want to mate with this rib, no matter what it was wearing. So, God ate another breaf-mint and blew his breaf on it.

The rib transformed into a smokin’ hot lay-day. When Little Dude woke up, he was really happy and they got busy. But not totally busy. Just kind of busy. It was epic.

Smokin’ hot lay-day was very curious. The next night, when Little Dude wanted to get busy (but still not all the way busy), Smokin’ Hot pretended to be asleep. When Little Dude gave up and went to play video games, and then fell asleep in front of “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2,” Smokin’ Hot got up and reached for Little Dude’s i-Pod.

She had to know what was on track 4.

She listened. And she listened some more.

She tried to listen in silence. She really did. But her blood boiled and her rage became unbearable.

This is when she lost it. She screamed and swore, although her language was not quite developed yet, so it came out more like "Mwaaaahhhhhoooorrrr!" with lots of spitting and hair pulling.

Little Dude awoke and knew not what to make of this. Smokin' Hot seemed to be in touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage.

God heard all of the commotion and came down to the Garden. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" he yelled. Little Dude immediately pointed at Smokin' Hot, absolving himself of all responsibility.

Smokin' Hot, having no other human to point to, pointed to the first thing she saw moving- a snake. "He made me do it," she said. But, again, it came out more like "Nerrrrwallllluhhhguh."

Snake was all, "Aw, HELL NAW, woman!" and slithered away.

"Didn't I tell you to STAY AWAY from track 4? Didn't I? You listened to Rush, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!"

Little Dude replied, "I have no heart to lie. I can't pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend."

"That doesn't even make sense," said God.

"And the energy you trade, he gets right on through the friction of the-"

"Knock it off," said God. "And YOU!" He was addressing Smokin' Hot now. "YOU LISTENED TO TRACK 4!"

And this is when Smokin' Hot muttered her first words: "No birth control for me. Birth control is for whores." 

"Oh, no!" God put his head in his hands. "I never thought this could-"

"Whore slut women whores-"

"THAT'S IT! EVERYONE'S IN TROUBLE!" God's voice was booming and made all of the leaves fall from the trees. "Little Dude! You allowed this women to be ruined. You will run around your whole life and play video games and live in your mom's basement where you will return to dust."

Smokin' Hot giggled. "AND YOU!" yelled God. Smokin' Hot jumped and peed herself just a little bit. "YOU will have gnarly-ass menstrual cramps every month." Smokin' Hot grabbed her belly and squinted.

Snake didn't get punished because he didn't really do anything. And he's a snake. Which pretty much already sucks.

But that snake- the one that was hiding under the tree with the unusual zipper running the length of it's body- that one was in for some of God's whoop-ass.  

"YOU!" God yelled, and he picked up the snake and with mighty force, ripped apart the zipper and pulled out the doughy, cowering man hidden inside. "You think I didn't see you in my garden? I'm GOD! You're just a radio talk show host!"

Rush peed himself a lot.

"You," God angry-whispered right into Rush's ear. Close enough that little God-spittle was mixing in with Rush's nervous forehead sweat. "You were cast by the devil in this unlikely role, and even so...you are ill-equipped to act." 

"He's got insufficient tact!" yelled Little Dude. God turned and nodded, but he was not smiling. Not even a bit.

With one mighty swing, God threw Rush into the universe, where he exploded into an impressive display of pyrotechnics. 

"Wheeeeeeee!" shouted Smokin' Hot.

"Fuck yeahhhhh!" yelled Little Dude as he got out his lighter and held it overhead.

"Get out of here, you two," mumbled God.

And they went. 

Body Stories

a tiny red dot on my belly button
as if I accidentally dropped
my red grading pen
on the very spot

a mole, like the top of a new pencil eraser
on my right shoulder
a birthmark, I am told

freckles on my right thigh that when connected  
(and I've done it often)
make the Big Dipper

a white raised scar like the edge of a thumbnail
on the inside of my right thigh
cat tooth or cat claw- a feline catastrophe
in the parking lot of the Humane Society
on a hot summer day in 1976

skin rubbed raw on my right hip
by asphalt
between being flung from a bike
and being stopped by a tree
it grew back like a piece of porcelain
a smooth alabaster oval
its companion is located on my right elbow

scar tissue on the right side of my scalp
(from the same fall)
feels like a golf pencil surgically implanted
beneath my hair

a divot on my forehead just below the hairline
looks as though someone might have
put a cigarette out there
I assure you
it was only the dresser drawer
slightly pulled out
catching my fall on my way down

a faint arc across my left knuckles
from Tremon
the kindergarten student who
I caught eating crayons under the table
and who decided
it would be better to scratch and kick and bite
his teacher than to stop eating the crayons

below that and to the right
near the base of my thumb
mark the places where my hand met a wire fence
while walking my dog- now long gone
she saw a squirrel and took off
the leash wrapped tightly around my wrist
an unexpected game of crack the whip

a freckle on the second toe
of my right foot
a toe that's slightly longer
than its neighbor to the left
and its neighbor to the right
a sign of beauty, my mother used to say
and I believed her
at age 5

and then there are the places
that are smooth
unmarked
showing no evidence of a story
a change
a defining moment
an incident to remember

like the place
where a baby grows

A Couple In Love At Starbucks

They're sitting three feet from me.
No more. No less.
He on the edge of the brown leather (is it faux?) chair
and she on the edge of the matching ottoman
pulled so they are knee-to-knee. Facing each other.

She holds his left hand in both of hers.
She pets it as if it were covered in mink fur.
The thumb of her right hand moves back and forth
back and forth
across the surface of his fingers.
She is reading his hand-braille.

His right hand holds a paper travel coffee cup.
He bobs it up and down and swirls it around in little circles-
little punctuation marks to his stories.
His stories make her laugh.
When something he says strikes her as particularly amusing,
she throws her head forward
almost into his lap.
I'm sure he wishes she would.

I cannot make out what they are saying
what he is saying
what she is laughing at.
I only know what I see:
A man and a woman
facing each other, knee-to-knee,
long moments of silence make both of them giggle.
Their eyes never leaving the gaze of the other.

Valentine's Day is in two days.
I wonder if he'll tell her "It's not like I'm in love with you or anything"
on their way to dinner at a fancy restaurant.
I wonder if he'll sit in the other room, silently angry about who knows what,
while she sits alone at the kitchen table
looking at the cupcakes and roses she bought herself earlier that day.
I wonder if he'll pull a greeting card out of his pocket
and mumble "Here. I got this for you" and toss it in her lap as he's driving
and she's sitting next to him.
I wonder if she'll open it and see that he didn't write anything in it.
Not even his name.
I wonder if she wonders what she's doing with him.

But his hands felt so soft. 

That Bone

You've been lickin' that bone for weeks now.
No, months.
Wait a second, make that a year.

How your teeth aren't cracked
or worn down to little nubbins
is beyond me.

What could you see in that bone?

It must taste like...
bone.
Every time you sit down to chomp on it.
Not chocolate bone.
Not sausage bone.
Not pizza bone or crepe bone or tabouli bone.

Just bone.

And I don't see the
fun in that.

I shoved peanut butter
in there once.
And that made you happy.
Happy enough.
But what you really wanted
was to aggressively lick away
the non-bone center
so you could get back to
lovin' the bone.
In its purest form.

I lifted it to my nose once.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Maybe it smells like heaven
or the top of a baby's head.
Maybe that's why you
can't get enough of it.

But it smelled like bone.

You run through the house
Where is my bone?!
Looking for it
Where'd that dang bone go?!
I try to distract you
Is it under this couch?
with something squeaky perhaps
Yeah, I hear that, but have you seen my bone?
But you're not interested
Oh, Booooone! Yooooo-hooo!
And I start to feel a little guilty
Is it on the bed? It smells like it's been here.
It's sitting on top of the refrigerator
Oh, shit. I'm really starting to panic here.
I reach up for it
Where is it?! Oh, God! Where is my BONE?!
And let it clop to the floor
Oh my God! My bone! Oh! Thank you! Thank you!

Away you run
to the furthest corner of the house
Your cave spot
Admiring your kill
And the impeccable job you did
in removing its pelt.

Do you remember nothing?

A Werewolf in Bikram (in 26 Postures)

1
It's time to croon to the invisible moon
Throw my head back and howl
A-WOOOOOOOO!
2
Twitching again
I'm stretching bones to skin
See the crescent come out and
A-WOOOOOOO!
3.
Claws grab at my heels
breath makes its appeal
but turns into a growl and
A-WOOOOO!
4.
Sit back for the chair
That I'm told is not there
Haunches start to contract and
A-WOOOOO!
5.
An eagle goes by
I hear it screech in the sky
I take my paw and I swat it
A-WOOOOO!
6.
Leg solid and stiff
I reach my foot and I grip
Wolves aren't meant to bend, uh-
A-WOOOOO!
7.
Hand off to the side
And it's with wolf-erly pride
I strike a perfect pose and
A-WOOOOO!
8.
To the back of the mat
(Does my wolf gut look fat?)
I wait for the clap and
A-WOOOOO!
9.
Stretch legs out wide
Arms off to the side
Bend down, head to mat, and
A-WOOOOO!
10.
Now it's triangle pose
I snarl and twitch at my nose
Think of anything else and
A-WOOOOO!
11.
Turn and twist on my heels
Rolling sweat on me feels
Like I'm pissing myself
A-WOOOOO!
12.
Turn and stand like a tree
Are you looking at me?
I will fuck with your chi!
A-WOOOOO!
13.
I'll hang out namaskar
while you all prove just how far
you can go on your toes
A-WOOOOO!
14.
Now we make like we're dead
Wiry fur mats my head
I'll get a drink on the way, ah-
A-WOOOOO!
15.
Pull my knees to my side
I think if anyone died
I'd eat their carcass for lunch
A-WOOOOO!
16.
We peel right up with our backs
my hackles starting to hack
I lick my chops and I snap
A-WOOOOO!
17.
We get our legs nice and straight
And lift them up and we wait
for yoga hostess to say
A-WOOOOO!
18.
On our bellies we fly
I hear one whimper and cry
More hurt will come when I eat you
A-WOOOOO!
19.
I grab down by my heel
and I make like a wheel
a wheel that's going nowhere
A-WOOOOO!
20.
Now to the top of the mat
We guzzle water and pant
And flop down on sweaty backs
A-WOOOOO!
21.
Now bending forward, arms out
My wolf ears twitching about
I hear the sounds of backs stretching
A-WOOOOO!
22.
Now for the deepest back bend
Upside-down, there's my friend
He's freaking staring again!
A-WOOOOO!
23.
When we're paw-deep in rabbit
His heart will thump and I'll grab it
And toss it into my mouth
A-WOOOOO!
24.
But before I can
I must abandon my plan
As we're called to stretch out
A-WOOOOO!
25.
Twisting now like wet ropes
Wringing out all my hopes
That I will kill during class
A-WOOOOO!
26.
Final breathing and- snap!
With every time-keeping clap
I morph back into myself
Ahhhhhh. Oooooooh.

My 2012 Wishes for You, Blog-Followers

31 of you follow my blog. A thankless job, blog-following is, really. As we approach the new year, let me take this time to thank each of you individually, and express my well-wishes for the year to come. 

waterdog, 

I wish you'd get a raise. Really. Unless you make a butt-load of money, in which case I wish you'd give some of it to Argel. If the raise comes to you, I wish for it to be in large, unmarked bills. I wish for you to flee the country and have an adventure. Send a postcard to Argel, at least.

jennifer,

I wish for you to unexpectedly have the most delicious meal of your life in the year 2012. Like, you weren't even looking forward to eating the meal. Maybe everything will taste like sawdust for a week or so prior. Then....WOW! Did you taste that? HOLY COW! Like magic. Magical-tasting food. Flavors like you've never imagined. And at that moment, you know what it's like to be Cher.

Amy Hauser,

I wish every part of your body, down to the little cells doing their cell thing, to join together and make for you the most healthy container for your beautiful soul.

kniz,

My 2012 wish for you is to go on the trip with waterdog and Argel. In a very remote village, I wish for you to be welcomed as the villagers' long-lost leader. I wish for you to enjoy this reign as long as feels comfortable, or until there are no other village women to marry. Then come home.

ryan o'malley,

I wish for you to not experience once single leg-ache in the year 2012.

ian miller,

I wish for you to have a year in which everything is funny. Everything. But you've learned to stifle your laughter so as to not get any dirty looks.

aaron.proctor,

My wish for you is to wake up each morning in 2012 feeling the kind of refreshed you see on cereal commercials. Spinning around the kitchen refreshed. I also wish for you to eat cereal. And be in a cereal commercial. 

tereasa,

In 2012, I wish that one guy would stop bugging you. And that that other guy would start. 

reality,

My wish for you is to reconnect with your childhood dream of what you wanted to be. Remember that? Yeah...do that. Just for, like, a day. 

milena,

My 2012 wish for you is to open your closet and look way back behind everything. Go look. Right now. There it is! Ah....I wasn't supposed to tell you about it. It's a secret shield, and it makes bad stuff bounce off of it and only good stuff get in. And it's invisible. So no one will make fun of you or try to steal it.

dillon,

I wish for you to have "lay in the grass and feel the warm sun on your face and forget why exactly you've ever been worried about anything ever in your life because in this moment everything is perfect" moments. Several times throughout the year. 

Linda DL,

I wish for the funny spirits of your old pets to visit you in your dreams.

victoriagriffen367,

I wish for you to let it roll. All the mean things mean people say. Blippity-blop-bloop. There it goes. Letting it roll. If that doesn't work, get the secret shield from milena. 

jennisess,

My 2012 wish for you is to experience a funky hairdo of epic proportions. It's just hair. It will grow back. Rock it, jennisess! Make heads turn!

argel,

You will be tired, no doubt, from your trip with kniz and waterdog. I wish for you a radiant glow from that last 5-hour energy drink you had in 2011 to last all of 2012.

josie wales,

I wish for you to expand your business idea by hiring the elderly couple that lived on the street when you were a kid. I wish economic prosperity as a result. 

emily,

I wish for you to be visited by magical faeries in your sleep. There won't be any evidence, really, but you'll feel slightly faery-ish when you wake up. And that's a good thing for 2012.

griff,

Do you know emily? Because there's about to be a shit-load of faeries at her house at night. I wish for you to get an old nikon and have a year of faery documenting. I wish for you to become famous and publish a faery magazine with Josie Wales and her elderly neighbors.

bka925,

I wish for you to uncover your mad dancing skills. How free you will feel when your feet take sudden flight in the frozen foods section at the grocery store! Twirl, bka925, twirl!

siddharth dude,

May 2012 bring you the joy that losing things and finding them again gives. Or losing things and never getting them back, but finding something even better in its place. The joy of loss is what I hope for you.

CathyStl,

When is the last time you went up in the arch, CathyStl? Is it not time? Indeed. I hope for you that 2012 is a year of arch-going-upping and zoo-train-riding and steinberg-rink-skating and crown-candy-malt-drinking and all things Stl. 

Emmzzee,

That last guy was a jerk. I hope that in all of 2012, you never return to his lame attempts at connecting with another human being. You're better than that. Begone! 

Rochet Huffman,

I hope for you that in the year 2012, your cast comes off and you can finally climb...Rachel's mom.

Christine,

In 2012, may you never stoop to the poor and immature humor modeled above. It hurt me to write it, even, but I did it for you. Here's to a year of fine-tuning your humor and taking it on the road. Perhaps you can go with Argel and his troupe of travelers.

Queen Dean,

I wish for you a year of momentum. Projects completed. Beds made. 1/2 marathons run. You won't be able to stop. You'll be on fire! Not real fire. Man, that would suck. I'd feel really guilty if that happened. I mean to say, you'll be unstoppable in 2012!

Styrr Cobalt Indigo,

That thing you've been wanting to stop doing? In 2012, I wish for you to stop. Easily! Bam! No more chewing your toenails! Bam! No smoking butts out of the library entrance ash tray. Bam! No more letting air out of the tires of your parents. 2012 will bring great restraint for you!

Katie,

I wish for your husband to clean every poopy diaper in the year 2012. I mean, every poopy diaper belonging to your baby. Because if it were every poopy diaper, man...he'd never come home. 

Colleen K,

I wish you'd get a puppy in 2012. That's all. 

jrhster,

I wish for you a lifetime movie type of reconnection with a childhood friend in 2012. And not because he/she needs a kidney or anything. Just because, dang, it's nice to talk with someone who has the same childhood memories as you. 

Epiphany of Tiffany,

Seeing as you've already had an epiphany, I feel silly wishing anything for you in 2012. But, I will wish that you forget an epiphany you already had and then suddenly remember it while pumping gas sometime in April. Man, that will be fun. 

Happy New Year to All in the Playground! 

A Lifetime of Confessions

This is Just to Say

I have licked
the faces
on all the handmade ornaments
hanging from the tree

and which
you were probably
planning on hanging on the tree
next year

Forgive me
they were delicious
so salty
and so forbidden

***
This is Just to Say

I have eaten
the powdered coconut
that was in
the refrigerator

and which
you were probably
saving
for some recipe

Forgive me
I didn't think I'd eat the whole bag
I'll never eat
coconut again

***
This is Just to Say

I have dipped
your toothbrush
into
the toilet

and with which
you were probably
planning on
brushing your teeth

Forgive me
you had said something that made me mad
so quick
and so unhygienic

***
This is Just to Say

I have peed on
your gym towel
that you had hanging
by your gym locker

and which
you were probably
planning on using
when you got out of the shower

Forgive me
I was dared to do it
I tried to keep
one side dry

***
This is Just to Say

I have stolen
a strapless bra
that was several sizes
too big for my flat chest

and which
you were probably
hoping to sell
to an actual customer

Forgive me
I needed some street cred
something to tell
my sister's friends

***
This is Just to Say

I have borrowed
the white oxford
that was in
your closet

and which
you were probably
planning on wearing
to work tomorrow

Forgive me
I had to have it to wear with my black leggings
so much longer
than my own shirts

***
This is Just to Say

I have been buying cigarettes and candy bars
with the money
that you've been giving me
for school lunches

and I've helped myself to a few extra bills that
you were probably
saving to buy things
other than a package of Marlboro's for your teenage daughter

Forgive me
I had to have them
slipped past a habit
and into a real addiction

***
This is Just to Say

I have stolen
some almond cookies
that were in the jar behind
the register

and which
you were probably
guessing your employees
wouldn't do

Forgive me
they were fresh out of the oven
so crunchy
and so warm

******
This is Just to Say

I have coerced you
into asking me something
that you weren't ready
to ask

and which
you were probably
saving
for some other woman years later

Forgive me
we had just graduated
college
and everybody, it seemed, was doing it

***
This is Just to Say

I have said
things to you
that I'd never say
the anyone again

and which
you were probably
wondering
why you were the target

Forgive me
I needed out
so sure of it
and I didn't know how

***
This is Just to Say

I have shown up
at your doorstep
at night
and delivered a guitar

which
you were probably
not guessing I'd
ever do

Forgive me
I might have been in a bad place
a wee bit manipulative
and maybe a little psychotic

***
This is Just to Say

I have perhaps had a little too much of
the alcohol
that was sitting
on the restaurant table

and which
you were asking the waiter
not to give me
at all

Forgive me for a second
I need to go lay down on the bathroom floor
so cold
on my cheek

***
This is Just to Say

I have threatened
to "kick you in the balls"
if you were ever mean
to any of my employees

which
probably took you for quite a surprise
as you are my boss's boss's
boss

Forgive me
I've been on a little drinking binge
so bold
and a little without good judgment

***
This is Just to Say

I have locked myself in
the garage
with the
car running

which
you were probably
thinking
wouldn't ever happen again

Forgive me
I can't figure out how to keep
doing this
and I can't figure out how not to

***
This is Just to Say

I have gotten into
a relationship
before I was
actually ready

and which
you were probably
hoping would last
for a long time

Forgive me
I wasn't listening to my gut
so inconsiderate
and so dishonest

***
This is Just to Say

I have searched

your internet history

which led me

to sordid sites

and which

you probably 

didn't even know

I could do

Forgive me

I was suspicious

so tempted

and so sure

***
This is Just to Say

I have pretended
to like
that shitty music
you were playing

and which
you were probably
thinking was
rocking my world

Forgive me
I thought you'd think
my not liking your music
was a sign that we shouldn't be dating
which it probably was

***
This is Just to Say

I have embraced
the life
that's unfolding
before me

and which
you were probably
waiting
for me to do

Forgive me
I had no idea your plans were so much better than mine
so sweet
and so kind