Thursday, August 12, 2010

10 Random Thoughts About The Body

I'm so glad we don't have nipples on the tips of our elbows, because that would just be gross.

If our toenails curled upwards and around, our socks would get snagged on them a whole bunch.

If I could slide all of my freckles/moles around on my body, I'm pretty sure I have enough freckles and moles to give myself African-American toes. And I'd like that. A lot.

I'm a bit wigged out by thinking about what it would be like if we all had a predetermined length of hair. Say, several feet. And it was all connected so that you could pull on your armpit hair, and the hair on your head would get shorter. Or pull on the hair on your head, and watch your armpit hair retract, retract, retract to near stubble. I'm not mentioning other body hair, but believe you me, I'm picturing it. And it grosses me out.

Why can't we stand upright with arms overhead, reach back and back until doing a sort of back bend, grasp our ankles tightly, and proceed to roll down the street to our destination? A face guard would be necessary, of course. I'm not an idiot.

Urine should empty from the bladder down the inside of your leg, collecting at the ankles. You could then squeeze and wiggle your toes discreetly into little receptacles or milk them like a cow with ten tiny udders.

The face should have two fingers attached to it: one in front of each ear. They should be about the size of your pointer finger. This way, if your eyes or nose itched, your face-finger could scratch it.

If the fleshy part under your chin is going to go ahead and get all doughy and fall as you age, it should be put to good use. Here is where a spare key or change for the parking meter could be kept. If we collectively think about this hard enough, perhaps we will evolve a little zipper along the jaw line.

Same goes for the crazy protruding waist-flesh you get as you get older, no matter how much you exercise or how many sit ups you do. Once you're old enough to develop this, you should have the option to push it and sculpt it towards another area of your body. Say, the part where God should have given you bigger boobs, but didn't.

My dog gets a tiny raised strip of fur down the center of her back when she's alarmed or doesn't care for what's going on. She'll also growl. (And sometimes bite. A lot.) I'd like for my ears to emit a little low growling noise upon hearing something I don't care for. I can have that same embarrassed detachment I have when my dog growls: "Beatrice! Stop that! I don't know why she's growling like that." Answer: probably because you're creepy. Don't be offended. Creepy can be cool. Anyway, say I'm pulled over by a police officer, and he's explaining the ticket to me. My ears would begin growling and quivering a bit. As if they were ready to bite. "Don't mind them, officer. They're a little nervous."

1 comment:

  1. on the "bend back and roll down the street" one - I had a dream last night that Lady Gaga and I were chillin' on the playground and she did exactly that. Just bent backwards and hit the ground rolling. It was cool.