In The Beginning...

Genesis 1

The Beginning

 ¹ In the beginning God created a small sofa. ² Now the sofa was formless and empty, there were no blankets on it yet, and the Spirit of God was hovering in the cushions.  ³ And God said, “Let there be blankets,” and there were blankets. ⁴ God saw that the blankets were good, and He separated the ones with arm holes from the others. ⁵ God called the ones with arm holes “snuggies,” and the others “blankies.” And there was regular sleep time, and there was nap time—the first day.
 ⁶ And God said, “Let there be a coffee table upon which to place things near the sofa." ⁷ So God made the coffee table and made it a glass top table and later He would realize that it would need to be cleaned with Windex often and this would piss Him off, but He was not concerned with such things yet. And it was so. ⁸ God called the table “that table.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
 ⁹ And God said, “Let there be an outlet near the table so as to plug in a laptop.” And it was so. ¹⁰ God called the outlet "that thing with the slots in it that I plug the other thing into,” and the laptop He called “a mac” And God saw that it was good.
 ¹¹ Then God said, “Let the laptop forever be open to facebook, hulu, and blogger.com.” And it was so. ¹² Facebook produced hours of procrastination from other things that needed to be done: parting of seas, sending his Son down to cure lepers, and gettin' all up in peoples' business with fiery bushes. And God saw that procrastination felt good. When it involved facebook. ¹³ And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
 ¹⁴ And God said, “Let there be Starbucks nearby with a drive through so I can still wear my flannel dog pajamas and have toothpaste blobbed on the big zit on my cheek and I won't have to be concerned about running into any ex-boyfriends ¹⁵ and let the Starbucks have someone who knows what in the hell they're doing be in charge of making the drinks so it's not bitter.” And it was so. ¹⁶ God made two great Starbucks—one on Delmar and North and South and one on Price and Olive. He also made the stoplights. ¹⁷ God set them to turn green, ¹⁸ as soon as He approached them. And God saw that it was good. ¹⁹ And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
 ²⁰ And God said, “Let me return home with my coffee to my laptop and facebook and let me have a woobie.” ²¹ So God created a great creature that resembled a pig with an underbite, but was really a little dog, and God was aware that this dog looked funny. And God saw that it was good. ²² God blessed the dog and said, “Don't lick your ass, because it grosses me out and don't chew on my furniture, you nitwit.” ²³ And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
 ²⁴ And God said, “Let the heat produce warmth through the vents and let the heating bill not be too high when I receive it.” And it was so. ²⁵ God made the heat kick on when it got lower than 68 degrees inside. And God saw that it was good.
 ²⁶ Then God said, “Wouldn't it be cool to have some friends?.”
 ²⁷ So God created mankind in his own image,
   in the image of God he created them;
   male and female he created them.
  Although some were born male and wished they were female and some were born female and wished they were male and that would have to super-suck. But that's when God said, "Oops! I royally screwed up there. Sorry. I will invent re-assignment surgery for you. Ta-da!"
 ²⁸ God blessed the people and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number. Get checked for STDs before being fruitful and it's a really good idea to make sure you're actually in love with the person you're about to increase in number with. Because this guy might be just saying he loves you just to be fruitful with you or he might be into you at first and then all of a sudden be incapable of connecting in any way possible and then you'll be all, 'Well. This sucks.'”
 ²⁹ Then God said, “I'll tell you what. This is sounding complicated, so I give you therapy. And a few 12-step groups for good measure."³⁰  And, seeing as He almost forgot about food, God said, "I give every green plant for food.” And people balked a bit because they wanted processed tangy cheese powder and things of that nature, but they'd get that in due time. And it was so.
 ³¹ God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. And He lay down on the couch and covered Himself with a blanket. And He logged onto facebook and He took a sip of his vanilla latte. And He texted the guy He had a crush on and then He let go of the outcome. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day. And it was good.